karaoke–me!

When Itchy sings, angels, cherubs and bluebirds swoop down from the sky. And then thud to the ground, dead. We've murdered so many songs that our nickname is 'The Ripper'. Kids recording themselves on Fisher Price tape decks lay down better tracks than us. Still, even if our attempt at Kate Bush sounds like it's being dragged backwards through a hedge, and our Johnny Cash wouldn't earn a single penny as a busker, we bloody love karaoke. You can't beat belting out your favourite tunes with your mates, arms over each other's shoulders and swaying for the slowies, or whipping out the air guitar and making 'rock' rhyme with 'hawk' for 'Sweet Child O' Mine'. The brilliant Karaoke-Me! allows you to enjoy the sing-along experience with minimal damage to your own dignity and the eardrums of anyone within a two mile radius. Instead of having to take a deep breath and brave it on stage in front of a pub full of strangers, you hire one of seven private rooms just for you and your mates. You've got freedom to put to use that massive lung capacity which so impressed the school asthma nurse with her little blowy tube thingy, without worrying that you're going to get heckled by blokes at the bar. There's no having to put up with some ego-tripping diva gurning along to Celine Dion in an attempt to win the Yates Wannabe competition either. The point isn't to try and impress - just to have fun. Good news for Itchy, since the only contract we'll be seeing is the one the sound police will take out against us with a hitman if they hear us attempting the high note in 'Loving You Is Easy 'Cause you're Beautiful'. Thirsty after an energetic invisible drum solo? Buzz the airline-style call button and a waiter will rock up to serve you beverages of both the soft and dizzy kind; a bottle of plonk is a tenner, and cocktails are £4.80. You can get a stone-baked pizza to refuel on for about £7.50 too - just be careful not to smear your saucy fingers all over the touchscreen song selection system, which allows you to search over 5,000 tracks by artist or title (although sadly not by 'that one that sort of goes dum-dee-dum-dum-dOO-doo'). You can even change the pitch and echo to suit your voicebox; Itchy found that 'chipmunk down a well' was a particularly good setting for us. Lyrics are displayed on a 42' plasma screen on the wall, so your whole group can see 'em - and whether that means five pairs of eyes or up to sixty, Karaoke-Me! make a party go with a dynamite bang. Office do? Birthday belter? Stag or hen? It's time to step up to the mic. Hell, we even know people who held a karaoke party after a funeral, putting their hearts and souls into the guy's favourite tunes in his honour and celebration of his life. Prices won't leave your bank balance with one foot in the grave either. Last time we checked, room hire with all you could eat and drink was a tenner per person per hour (yep, you read that right - bargainous) from Sun-Wed. Otherwise, room hire in the afternoons (great for kiddy parties or skiving students) starts at £15 an hour for a group of five - so three quid a head - and goes from £25 in the evening. Don't forget to allow a few pounds to buy Buttercup Syrup for your ailing throat afterwards too. And no love, we don't think you've got 'nodules' just yet.

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